H.R. No. 1563
R E S O L U T I O N
WHEREAS, Many score ago, Dorothy Nell Studer Pewitt gave
birth to her first child, a son, one Billy Randell Pewitt, who
proceeded to exist on RC Cola (including in his baby bottle) and
never spoke until his second year; who has since not stopped
talking, even if no one is listening; who has continued the cola
habit, although upon doctor's orders, has been modified to the
healthier version of Diet Coke, on the pretext of health and
longevity when taken with Austin Land & Cattle cheeseburgers and
fries; and
WHEREAS, Born April 18, 1953, the ancient Billy Randell
Pewitt is still alive; perhaps his unconventional diet merits
consideration; and
WHEREAS, Despite tightened security measures, Pewitt, who
never wielded more than a water gun, and was able to earn his
concealed handgun license, and is still allowed in the Capitol
proper, has his target, peppered with off-target bullet holes,
hanging in his garage with a push pin that he inadvertently stabbed
himself with; and
WHEREAS, He's still a legend in his own mind, with lodgings
directly across the street from the Capitol, and appears quite hard
to get rid of; and
WHEREAS, His lovely trophy wife of 31 years as of yesterday,
Shannon McCann, continues to manage to plausibly deny any knowledge
of the details, having determined long ago just how unbecoming an
orange jumpsuit might be; and
WHEREAS, Old Man Pewitt and his long-suffering wife have had
three children in each of their decades together; it seems likely
the dynasty will persevere; and
WHEREAS, When not holding court and embellishing his own life
story, Pewitt enjoys bragging on his own offspring--or tries to get
them jobs; and
WHEREAS, His eldest son Will, who served as a congressional
intern in 2002 and is now a professor of English at several Florida
universities, has forced meddling Father Pewitt to leverage his
influence to find Professor Pewitt employment inside the Great
State of Texas, no doubt in a dubious conspiracy to influence the
minds of the youth of this great state in bending to the father's
nefarious schemes; and
WHEREAS, Middle son Jack, who, when also serving as an
intern, was asked to run some documents to another office, actually
did run at break-neck speed through the hallowed halls of the
Capitol until slowed by peace officers, clearly demonstrating a
genetic predisposition to his father's headstrong, ham-fisted,
heavy footsteps, has thankfully more often demonstrated his
mother's creativity by becoming quite an accomplished artist,
recently completing a memorial sculpture for Casis Elementary
School; and
WHEREAS, His youngest, a daughter, Jill, born in Pewitt's
advanced old age, is now twelve, teetering on teenhood, and is
constantly having to remind her friends and teachers that Pewitt is
indeed not her grandfather, though the hardship has only served to
strengthen the character of this young woman who shows dominant
traits of her mother's beauty; and
WHEREAS, Pewitt has become famous, or infamous, for his
elaborate parties at his home, and said homestead is currently
under construction; this session will be no different as even more
guests will be accommodated at his blowout session party next
month; and
WHEREAS, Billy Randell Pewitt is now officially old and
decrepit, though he still beats his chest, coughs, takes a draught
of Diet Coke and proclaims to be in his prime; now, therefore, be it
RESOLVED, That the House of Representatives of the 83rd Texas
Legislature hereby commiserate with Billy Randell Pewitt on his
60th birthday and extend deepest sympathy to those of us who must
humor him; and, be it further
RESOLVED, That an official copy of this resolution be
presented to the Ancient Pewitt to remind him that he really is 60,
though he really appears at least two score older.
Pitts
______________________________
Speaker of the House
I certify that H.R. No. 1563 was adopted by the House on May
1, 2013, by a non-record vote.
______________________________
Chief Clerk of the House